Patient to Dentist: “How much to get my teeth straightened?”
“Twenty thousand bucks” Patient heads for the door.
Dentist to patient: “Where are you going?”
“To a plastic surgeon to get my mouth bent.”
A young man saw an elderly couple sitting down to lunch at McDonald’s.
He noticed that they had ordered one meal, and an extra drink cup.
As he watched, the gentleman carefully divided the hamburger in half, then counted out the fries, one for him, one for her, until each had half of them. Then he poured half of the soft drink into the extra cup and set that in front of his wife.
The old man then began to eat, and his wife sat watching, with her hands folded in her lap.The young man decided to ask if they would allow him to purchase another meal for them so that they didn’t have to split theirs.
The old gentleman said, “Oh no. We’ve been married 50 years, and everything has always been and will always be shared, 50/50.
” The young man then asked the wife if she was going to eat, and
she replied… “Not yet…It’s his turn with the teeth!”
A particularly voluptuous lady entered the dentists surgery in an obvious state of agitation. The dentist tried to calm her down assuring her that he would do nothing to hurt her. She sat down in the chair and started fidgeting nervously as the dentist began sterilizing all the required equipment. When he asked her to open her mouth, she screamed.
So he tried to calm her down again even though he was losing patience.
Almost immediately the lady threw a hysterical fit, then realizing that the dentist had begun glaring at her, she said, “Oh doctor, I’m so nervous. I hate dentists. Why, I think I’d rather have a baby than have a tooth drilled.”
Replied the dentist ” Well Miss, better make up your mind fast so that I can accordingly adjust the chair.”
A rather forgetful dentist was invited to speak at a hotel banquet about, of all things, dental hygiene. 
When he arrived at the banquet, he seated himself at the head table only to suddenly realize that he had forgotten to put on his false teeth.
He was in a state of panic as it just won’t do to have a speaker with no teeth talk about dental hygiene. And besides, most people don’t understand him too well without his teeth.
He managed to explain the situation to the man seated next to him, and was about to leave for home to get his teeth, when the man smiled and said, “No problem, I just happen to have a spare. Try these on,” and the man passed the speaker a pair of dentures.
The speaker couldn’t believe his luck. He tried on the dentures but they didn’t fit well. “They’re too loose,” he said.
“No worries,” the man said. He reached into another pocket and produced another pair of dentures. “Try these.”
The speaker had no idea why the man would be carrying 2 sets of dentures with him but he wasn’t about to look a gift horse in the mouth. He tried on the second pair but they were too tight.
“Okay, I have got one last pair,” the man said. And he produced a third set of dentures from his briefcase.
And they were a perfect fit. The rest of the evening went without a hitch, with the speaker giving a flawless speech and rounding it off with a great dinner.
At the end of the evening, the speaker thanked the man and since they were in the same profession, asked for his name card.
“Oh, you’re mistaken,” said the man. “I’m not a dentist. I’m the local undertaker.”
A guy goes to visit his grandmother and he brings his friend with him. While he’s talking to his grandmother, his friend starts eating the peanuts on the coffee table, and finishes them off.
As they’re leaving, his friend says to his grandmother, “Thanks for the peanuts.” She says, “Yeah, since I lost my dentures I can only suck the chocolate off ’em.”
